Sometimes, the bits that don’t go into the final edits of a book are some of the best parts. This is something that secretly infuriates most writers at some point. It is the essence of killing your darlings. If it doesn’t further the plot, it doesn’t go in, no matter how much you love it.
The same can be said for some of the pre-writing and planning stages. It’s always useful to get into the minds of your characters by doing something different with them. So here is a little piece which is a lot of fun, but obviously would never make it into the book. It starts with a simple premise:
What would it be like if the tables were turned on Detective Teddie McKay..?
CKM: Thanks for joining me here today. I’ve just got a few questions for you, then you can go.
TM: Hey, I’m the one who asks the questions around here.
CKM: Not tonight you don’t. Tonight you’re going to sit there and answer a couple of simple questions. Nothing too dangerous. I’m not placing you under arrest here.
TM: Like you could. Go on, ask whatever you want. Don’t be too hurt if I plead the Fifth.
CKM: I’m hoping that you won’t have to do that. There is nothing too damaging in here.
TM: Okay, okay. Just get on with it will you? I have places to be.
CKM: Places to be? As in a date?
TM: Was that one of the questions? You’re using up your time here lady.
CKM: It wasn’t going to be one of the questions, but it is now. I can tell when you’re stalling.
TM: You don’t know me.
CKM: Yes I do. Better than you think. So spill. Do you have a date? Is that why you’re in such a rush to get out of here?
TM: That’s two questions. Which do you want me to answer?
CKM: Both. quit stalling.
TM: I might be meeting someone. An old friend.
CKM: With you, that’s the safe word for romantic. Who is she?
TM: Hey, I never said it was romantic. Your words, not mine. This would never hold up in court.
CKM: We’re not in court. Nor are we likely to be. So either answer the question or I’ll get some of the other characters in here as well. They’ll make you talk. I’ve never seen you get away with not answering a question when it’s coming from Kathryn Greene.
TM: That’s a low blow there, author lady. Alright, I’ll answer your damn questions. Yes, it used to be romantic. If you count more than a couple of dates as romantic. But it’s not any more. We’re just friends.
CKM: With benefits?
TM: Maybe a handful of occasional benefits.
CKM: Is that because you don’t like to commit?
TM: Everyone make it sound like some huge thing. I’m not scared to commit. I just have chosen not to so far, that’s all. No one should have to commit until they’re at least forty.
CKM: Why do I get the feeling that when you get to forty, you’ll decide to up that to fifty to be on the safe side?
TM: Is that another question? You’re running out of time now. It’s like three wishes. You gotta choose wisely.
CKM: I never specified how many questions.
TM: And I never specified how long I’d stick around for. And don’t even think about bringing Kat into this again. Now she’s the one who you should be asking about dates. Underneath that prim and proper skirt, I reckon she’s all kinds of interesting.
CKM: Do you often think about what is under Kat’s skirt?
TM: You’re sick, you know that? That’s my friend you’re talking about.
CKM: Calm down. I’m just messing with you, that’s all. We can make that a question. No attraction at all between you and Kat? You just see yourself as friends?
TM: No attraction at all. I mean, she’s got a pretty face and her IQ is probably off the charts, but she’s never really done it for me, you know? But there’s something about her… me and her we just clicked. Right from the day I met her. I thought she was going to bust my ass when they brought her in to help out on The Crochet Killer case. That was what we were calling him back then. Seems crazy to think of him like that now. Now that… But yeah, anyway, she’s one of my closest friends. You want commitment? I’d walk to the ends of the earth for that woman. Just because I don’t want to live with someone doesn’t mean I have commitment problems.
CKM: Speaking of The Crochet Killer, do you still have nightmares about him?
TM: We don’t need to go there.
CKM: We do. Enquiring minds need to know.
TM: I don’t have any choice in this, do I? In that case, yes. Sometimes, I still have nightmares about him. Jolanta says it’s completely normal to still get freaked out sometimes. It doesn’t mean I need therapy or anything. He’s just there sometimes. Hell, for all I know, he’ll be haunting my dreams for the rest of my goddamn life. Too many women died on my watch. I should have got to him sooner. If the only price I have to pay is a few bad dreams, then I’ll take it.
CKM: That case made the news. What was your toughest case before that?
TM: Man, that’s a tough one. There’s no such thing as an easy case when you work Robbery-Homicide. Even when catching the perp is a slam dunk, then you’ve still got to deal with a victim. But if I had to pick just one, I’d go with my a homicide in my first year. I was pretty fresh back then and I didn’t catch break. It was a kid. Turned out his step-father had been beating him for awhile. Mother to drunk and beaten down herself to do anything other than throw back another fifth of Wild Turkey and look the other way. That was the first autopsy that made me want to cry and walk out the room. I’ve toughened up a lot since then. But cases with kids? They never get any easier.
CKM: Okay, let’s move onto something a bit easier. Doughnuts.
TM: Now those are my kind of questions.
CKM: People want to know, do you really eat doughnuts all the time? Or is that just a police stereotype?
TM: That’s a brush we’ve been tarnished with for a long time. Doughnut Friday, that was a thing for a while. Day to day cases, they don’t really need a doughnut quota. Now a big case, that’ll have Gary reaching straight for a party box, you know what I mean? And I care about the man. He’s my partner. It would be dereliction of duty if I let him do that to his heart. I need to take a bear claw for the team every now and again, right?
CKM: I suppose that makes sense. In a weird calorie-justifying kind of way. Okay, so flipping that over into fitness, how do you keep in shape for when you have to chase down bad guys?
TM: Contrary to popular belief, I don’t get to do much chasing these days. But I’m a swimmer. Not much else really. Most people already know that about me.
CKM: I didn’t know if you were also a secret gym bunny or anything like that.
TM: *snort*
CKM: I’ll take that as a no then. So, if we’re being open about your swimming, it’s no secret either that you nearly drowned when you were longer. So how many metres can you swim underwater these days?
TM: Never nearly as many as I’d need to feel safe. I can do about twenty metres. Enough to get me out of a tight spot, but nothing crazy. If I had to do more than that, I probably could. I just never want to find out. I love to swim, but I hate to swim. That’s never gonna change.
CKM: Okay, final question, then you can go on your not-a-date date.
TM: About time. Go on. Hit me.
CKM: Shake Shack or In-n-Out burger?
TM: Are you kidding me? How is that even a question? Shake Shack all the way baby, all the way…
You can buy the first instalment of the Teddie McKay series The Crochet Killer on Amazon, currently on offer at $3.69 (was $4.99). This is because the second book in the series A Taste To Die For will be available for download from August 27th.
Tis not quite the season any more, but if you’re desperate to hold onto the time when snow meant good things rather than a pain in the ass commute to work, then Happily Ever After This Christmas might be a lighthearted way of keeping the memory alive. I had great fun writing this and it was one of my high points of last year.
I have a (very) rough first draft of Book #4 in the Lazarus Hunter Series completed. There are still several subplots I want to interweave, but that’s not on my plan until March at the earliest. After the slowest of slow burns, things between Elizabeth and Monica reach boiling point.
C.K. Martin / Cas Martin 